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21 November
Thanks for coming...
23 August
Stall Protocol
I was telling someone about my day at work and I mentioned an incident which seemed to me to be a clear breach of bathroom protocol. When the hysterical laughter morphed into a look of disbelief, I wondered if maybe the protocol was not as universal as I thought. So I come to you, the internet, to validate or invalidate my insight.
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17 August
HOTlanta!!
Walking out of my office and into the parking lot is like walking into a blast furnace. The other day, the outside thermometer in my car said 109 degrees!! 109!! I realize that is the asphalt temperature, but still, shouldn't bad things begin happening at 109 degrees? I would think house pets would begin to explode or something. And if traffic stops, shouldn't the tires start melting on the pavement? This ain't global warming, it's global scorching and I just don't see the point...GOD!
07 August
Camp Horizon 2007
Just returned from my yearly stint at Camp Horizon. If you want to know what I do there, you can read the journal I kept several years ago. This year was a little different in that I was totally out of shape. At first, I thought it was my age catching up to me, but now I am pretty sure it was the extra 20 pounds I took with me.
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09 July
The New Age of Fireworks
I know I am a little behind on blogging. I actually seem to have found a life lately! So anyway, just an observation I wanted to make last week on the 4th of July. I was sitting on the deck waiting to see fireworks on the horizon when I noticed kids in the backyard of the house behind me with fireworks of their own. Watching them light firecrackers and bottle rockets made me smile as it reminded me of doing the same when I was a kid. Then I remembered, i didn't have firecrackers and bottle rockets when I was a kid!
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26 June
Long Beach
Upside: I'm in sunny California and the weather is euphoric.
Downside: I'm here on business and I'm too exhausted to do anything.
Upside: I am disconnected from everyday problems; I only have to focus on me.
Downside: I've been here a week, I am ready to go home.
Upside: I've met lots of new people.
Downside: One of those bastards gave me a nasty cold!
Upside: My associates want to cash in on my new “Barry White Voice” at the Karaoke bar.
Downside: I might just do it.
14 June
If it weren't for bad luck...
Why do I even bother playing the lottery? Whenever I do, I not only don't come close to winning, but I never even get just ONE damn number right. How is that even possible? I should win something for being the worst lottery player ever.
12 June
Well if I could walk on water...
11 June
Priceless my ass
Worn Tires due to misalignment...............................$800
Bad power steering pump one week later....................$900
Transmission gone to live with Jesus two weeks later....$8,000
Development of permanent psychotic twitch...............You got it
Bad power steering pump one week later....................$900
Transmission gone to live with Jesus two weeks later....$8,000
Development of permanent psychotic twitch...............You got it
29 May
Falwell Reincarnate
WARSAW, Poland — Poland's watchdog for children's rights was quoted as saying she would ask psychologists to investigate whether the TV “Teletubbies” character Tinky Winky is gay. On Tuesday, she backed away from the comments.
Ewa Sowinska, ombudsman for children's rights, said in the latest edition of a magazine that the purse-carrying character on the British Broadcastinhg Corp.'s “Teletubbies” children's show could promote homosexuality.
Journalists from the weekly “Wprost” mentioned claims the “Teletubbies” promote homosexuality, to which Sowinska replied that she had heard of the issue. The journalists then asked about Tinky Winky.
“I noticed that he has a purse, but I didn't realize he's a boy. At first I thought that must be a bother for him,” Sowinska told the magazine in an interview her office approved before publication. “Later I learned that there could be some hidden homosexual undertones.”
Ewa Sowinska, ombudsman for children's rights, said in the latest edition of a magazine that the purse-carrying character on the British Broadcastinhg Corp.'s “Teletubbies” children's show could promote homosexuality.
Journalists from the weekly “Wprost” mentioned claims the “Teletubbies” promote homosexuality, to which Sowinska replied that she had heard of the issue. The journalists then asked about Tinky Winky.
“I noticed that he has a purse, but I didn't realize he's a boy. At first I thought that must be a bother for him,” Sowinska told the magazine in an interview her office approved before publication. “Later I learned that there could be some hidden homosexual undertones.”
23 May
Runnin' With the Devil
18 May
Does your remote need cleaning?
Okay here's one for the monthly moron awards. I just spent a good 25 minutes searching for my remote control, the one in the bedroom. It became a quest, verified by the fact that I walked past the TV ten times while searching for the thing. I was determined not to change the channels manually. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I even went out and looked in my car, don't ask me why. Then I heard the washing machine ding. Why would that be significant to this story? Because I was washing my bedspread - the last place I saw the remote control.
17 May
Dr. Mumbles and his traveling FAA roadshow
My medical has been expired for a little while now and even though I haven't flown in quite some time, I do have some money on account at The Flight School and since it takes an act of Jesus to get money back, I figured I can't spend it, I may as well fly it away. [Wow, check that out, all one sentence.] So what was my point again? Oh yeah, the medical; I had to have a new FAA physical.
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14 May
Vicki Stacker Is Easy
I was moving some boxes today and came across something that reminded me of a youthful incident I had almost forgotten about. Something that happened to me in high school, which looking back on now, makes me smile. No, not High School; the incident.
When I was a sophomore, there was a brief time when I dated the High School Slut. I know, at first that sounds bad on more than one level; first that I would refer to her as a slut (I just went back to the title and changed the name, just in case she googles) and second, that I would date her, especially as a high school sophomore. [Read More!]
When I was a sophomore, there was a brief time when I dated the High School Slut. I know, at first that sounds bad on more than one level; first that I would refer to her as a slut (I just went back to the title and changed the name, just in case she googles) and second, that I would date her, especially as a high school sophomore. [Read More!]
11 May
Benefits of War
Sorry, I think it's time for me to join the many voices demanding an end to the war. I've been pretty quiet about it up to now, but it's starting to become apparent now that we are not going to get anything out of this war. I wonder if G.W. has really considered that. I don't mean dignity, peace with honor, democracy or any of that crap. I'm talking about stuff.
You know, stuff we should be getting from having a war. We got all kinds of cool stuff from Viet Nam. We got Round-Up (agent orange), we got not one, but two really cool symbols to wear and display. And the music, well we're talking just KICK ASS; Fortunate Son, Eve of Destruction, For What It's Worth, Run Through the Jungle, Ohio, What's Goin' On, the list goes on and on.
The Gulf War only lasted a few months but it still gave us CNN, way cool gas guzzling, behemoth Hummers and night vision goggles.
And what have we gotten from the Iraq war? That damn deck of cards was hard to find and by the time we got 'em we didn't care anymore. Come on, who wants to play cards with war criminals on them. I'd rather have the naked lady ones any day. So you know what that leaves us with? These damn things. There must be gabillions of these things. They've been stuck on our bumpers so long they are NEVER coming off.
I'm telling you, we got ripped off on this war. It's time to stand up and demand our money back. What's the point of even having a war if you can't get way cool war stuff.
You know, stuff we should be getting from having a war. We got all kinds of cool stuff from Viet Nam. We got Round-Up (agent orange), we got not one, but two really cool symbols to wear and display. And the music, well we're talking just KICK ASS; Fortunate Son, Eve of Destruction, For What It's Worth, Run Through the Jungle, Ohio, What's Goin' On, the list goes on and on.
The Gulf War only lasted a few months but it still gave us CNN, way cool gas guzzling, behemoth Hummers and night vision goggles.
And what have we gotten from the Iraq war? That damn deck of cards was hard to find and by the time we got 'em we didn't care anymore. Come on, who wants to play cards with war criminals on them. I'd rather have the naked lady ones any day. So you know what that leaves us with? These damn things. There must be gabillions of these things. They've been stuck on our bumpers so long they are NEVER coming off.
I'm telling you, we got ripped off on this war. It's time to stand up and demand our money back. What's the point of even having a war if you can't get way cool war stuff.
03 May
You can keep your hat on...
A few years ago, a friend said he'd loan me his CD's if I wanted to rip them (Cover your eyes RIAA). I was a little surprised when he brought in a grocery bag full of burned CD's; dozens of them. They included the official Top 100 songs for every year all the way back to 1955 (note, 1955 “Top 100” consisted of 40 songs; half of which were about Daniel Boone).
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30 April
Next time you're with friends (in bed)
Well, I have nothing to blog about today. Not only did nothing interesting happen, but nothing funny happened either, not even remotely. I kind of don't want to lose my momentum though - I've already blogged more this week than I did in the last eighteen months.
All I can think of is this: Have you ever played that stupid, childish game where you end everything with the words “in bed.” I say stupid and childish in an effort to inflate your perspective of me and distance myself from the intellectually bankrupt, but I really love this game! Especially when your friends are t-totally sick of it and want you to stop. That's when it truly becomes funny!
Try it if you haven't. Yes, it's childish and silly and yes, your (sober) friends will get annoyed. But watch what happens if you keep it up. Don't cave. Keep doing it (in bed). Within a short time from their annoyed looks, it will become funny again and they WILL be forced to crack up. Suddenly it becomes hysterical. I swear to God, try this.
That is all.
All I can think of is this: Have you ever played that stupid, childish game where you end everything with the words “in bed.” I say stupid and childish in an effort to inflate your perspective of me and distance myself from the intellectually bankrupt, but I really love this game! Especially when your friends are t-totally sick of it and want you to stop. That's when it truly becomes funny!
Try it if you haven't. Yes, it's childish and silly and yes, your (sober) friends will get annoyed. But watch what happens if you keep it up. Don't cave. Keep doing it (in bed). Within a short time from their annoyed looks, it will become funny again and they WILL be forced to crack up. Suddenly it becomes hysterical. I swear to God, try this.
That is all.
28 April
Merry Prom Night
I had to drive to Gwinnett County today, quite some distance from where I live. I used to measure the distance in miles or time until today, I found a new measurement: Malls. From my house to my destination in Gwinnett was exactly 4 malls away. I know this because traffic was backed up at each of them. Lines and lines of teens trying to get to the tux and prom dress rental places. Oh to be young again. Nothing says I love you like lavender chiffon and wrist corsages.
26 April
Measure with a micrometer, cut with an axe
I have to go to Long Beach next month and my airline tickets came today. Why do airlines list arrival and departure times in minutes? Depart 10:04a Arrive 3:55. Have they ever, in the history of airline travel, hit the minute? Wouldn't it be better for all parties if they just said Depart Eightish Arrive Suppertime?
25 April
A Long Strange Trip It's Been
I'm back. At least I think I'm back. I'd like to be back. I hope I'm back. I've really been wanting to come back. So where have I been? Can't say really. Some of you know where I've been. To you I say, thank you. Thank you for your support, your thoughts, your prayers. Looks like I made it. Oh God, but I'm Barry Manillo!
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25 August
Universal News
13 June
Dog Owner Tip #14
Never leave pool noodles unattended.
29 April
Hard to see the keyboard through a welders mask
I was sitting at the table the other day waiting for someone to get their chit together and I spotted a course booklet for an area technical school. I started flipping through it when I came across Online Course Pages. Lots of software classes, computer languages, internet stuff and so on; the usual stuff except for one thing - Online Welding Basics.
Can someone tell me how that works?
Can someone tell me how that works?
27 April
It's a dog's life!
16 April
Or not...?
Sorry it's taken so long, thank you for all the email and get well cards. Contrary to popular belief, my condition although rare did not require hospitalization. I was just unable to wheel myself to the computer and as you know, laptops do not sit well for people with my condition.
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24 March
04 February
Lightning Fast!
I don't even think in 1989 that anyone thought 20Mhz was the speed of lightning.
28 January
There Are Horses In The Hippo Moat!
Oh brother, here we go again. I was doing some work on my Dad's office building. Specifically, I was removing mildew from the stucco siding with a pool brush on a long pole. As I rounded the corner to the back side of the building, I couldn't help but be distracted by the hippo pool.
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23 January
More Conversations From The Back Seat
As I drive the SUV down the highway, loaded with ten and eleven-year-olds sugared up on birthday cake, I couldn't help but smile as they began chanting a rhyme, obviously familiar to them but new to me. It included a reference to Jimmy Buffett which prompted me to query:
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02 January
The Three Phase Party Exit
This one may just be for guys, I don't know. It's just been my personal observation that men are repeatedly the victims of a party habit I like to call the Three Phase Exit. I notice it most during the holidays because of all the parties.
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31 December
Welcome To Foam Lake. Safe Haven For Morons...
I'm a moron, this I do not dispute. If I wasn't a moron, I wouldn't have neat stuff to blog about, so I'm okay with that. So here is this week's moron-moment.
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29 December
It's a Dog's Life
24 December
Extra Tall Grande Supremo, Hold The Venti
I love Starbucks and always have. Even if it is kind of pricey, I don't get both the jolt and the taste with other coffees. The thing that still bugs me about Starbucks though are the cup size labels. Tall, Grande and Venti. Why can't they be Small, Medium and Large like everywhere else? Doesn't that seem unamerican? Tall is not tall at all; it's small and Grande is not so grande, it's only medium. And Venti. What is that? Actually, Starbucks has an unpublished cup size called Short, which actually makes sense because it's very small.
What has me most baffled though is my own refusual to stand up for what's right and call them by their American names. Why do I feel so pressured to comply with this Starbuck-Speak. If they changed the name of their napkins to Oblongs, would I cave in and call them that too? Who knows? I guess when in Starbucks, I should just do what the Starbuckians do. It's still better than going over to Seattle's Best and asking for a Grande Supremo. Isn't that a rank in the Ku Klux Klan?
What has me most baffled though is my own refusual to stand up for what's right and call them by their American names. Why do I feel so pressured to comply with this Starbuck-Speak. If they changed the name of their napkins to Oblongs, would I cave in and call them that too? Who knows? I guess when in Starbucks, I should just do what the Starbuckians do. It's still better than going over to Seattle's Best and asking for a Grande Supremo. Isn't that a rank in the Ku Klux Klan?
20 December
Not Again!
A Picture Story....
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19 December
Atlanta Traffic
Okay, I believe I am spending too much time in traffic here. In case you didn’t know, traffic in Atlanta sucks. There was a three month period spanning the Olympics when it didn’t suck because everything was fixed and working. But then it went right back to sucking. I could blog about traffic everyday, but I try not to just because it’s such an easy target. But it’s time to get it off my chest. These are the things I HATE about Atlanta traffic.
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01 December
But Captain! She Can't TAKE Anymore!
Well now that we've moved from the city to the country, I've just been learning more and more things about really neat stuff. Like septic tanks. What a fascinating animal. Ever wonder who invented it? Probably not, but I do. I wonder about stuff like that. I wonder if he/she had a working prototype for the patent office. I wonder if there was first a non-working prototype. Did the inventor have to experiment with this thing first? Did he/she make a little model and use rat droppings or something. I really want to know how he/she tested this concept.
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27 November
Hey Look, We Have The Same Hair...
Think horses aren't scary? How about from a 3-year-old's perspective.
And speaking of 3-year-old's, we got a special visit from Kamikaze Lunchbreak & Company. Check out the pictures!
26 November
Some People Have A Way With Words. Others No Have Way.
My two favorite shows are Forensic Files and The Investigators. The DVR grabs all of them so it seems like that's all I watch. One of the things I really get a kick out of is watching law enforcement people try to make themselves sound more edjewmakated than they really are. They either use big words in ways that don't work or they make up new words.
The new word tonight was directionality. “Based on the bullet holes in the skull and their directionality, it was indicative that he was shot while sleeping”. The word indicative must have sounded much more edjewmakated than indicated because he used it a lot.
In the very next episode I watched, I heard a detective say that “the stupidest thing he did was leave the wash cloth in the sink”. Nothing wrong with that statement; until he added that “the other stupidest thing was that he took one of his gloves off”. Who knew that there would be another stupidest thing?
Even the show hosts are not without sensational faux pas. The host of The Investigators was interviewing one of the jurors and asked if any of them had knowledge of a previous murder by the defendant. “No, we never heard a thing about that.” replied the juror. “Not even a peep?” asked the host. What answer was he looking for? “Well yes, there was a peep. But not all of us heard it”.
I swear, watching these shows for their wordsmith innovations take them in a whole new directionality.
The new word tonight was directionality. “Based on the bullet holes in the skull and their directionality, it was indicative that he was shot while sleeping”. The word indicative must have sounded much more edjewmakated than indicated because he used it a lot.
In the very next episode I watched, I heard a detective say that “the stupidest thing he did was leave the wash cloth in the sink”. Nothing wrong with that statement; until he added that “the other stupidest thing was that he took one of his gloves off”. Who knew that there would be another stupidest thing?
Even the show hosts are not without sensational faux pas. The host of The Investigators was interviewing one of the jurors and asked if any of them had knowledge of a previous murder by the defendant. “No, we never heard a thing about that.” replied the juror. “Not even a peep?” asked the host. What answer was he looking for? “Well yes, there was a peep. But not all of us heard it”.
I swear, watching these shows for their wordsmith innovations take them in a whole new directionality.
11 November
Conversations From The Back Seat
Young Andrew: “No, I don't want to spend it on that. I only need two more dollars for Nye's Fake Blood”.
Young Brett: “How much is it”?
Young Andrew: “Fifteen dollars for sixteen ounces”.
Young Brett: “Dude, you can get fake blood at Party City a lot cheaper than that”.
Young Andrew: “Nye's Fake Blood”?
Young Brett: “No, but it's just as good”.
Young Andrew: “No it's not”.
Young Brett: “Well it's almost as good. At least it is when it drys. It doesn't flake or get darker”.
Young Andrew: “Nothing is as good as Nye's Fake Blood, especially not the gel”.
Young Brett: “Well yeah, the gel rocks. But still, it doesn't cost fifteen dollars. Besides, you can make your own fake blood with food coloring and salt crystals even cheaper”.
Young Andrew: “I'm not using home-made fake blood”!
Young Brett: “Me neither, but I'm just saying I could make it myself if I wanted”.
Young Brett: “How much is it”?
Young Andrew: “Fifteen dollars for sixteen ounces”.
Young Brett: “Dude, you can get fake blood at Party City a lot cheaper than that”.
Young Andrew: “Nye's Fake Blood”?
Young Brett: “No, but it's just as good”.
Young Andrew: “No it's not”.
Young Brett: “Well it's almost as good. At least it is when it drys. It doesn't flake or get darker”.
Young Andrew: “Nothing is as good as Nye's Fake Blood, especially not the gel”.
Young Brett: “Well yeah, the gel rocks. But still, it doesn't cost fifteen dollars. Besides, you can make your own fake blood with food coloring and salt crystals even cheaper”.
Young Andrew: “I'm not using home-made fake blood”!
Young Brett: “Me neither, but I'm just saying I could make it myself if I wanted”.
09 November
Camp Melman
We are starting to settle in nicely in the new homestead. This week we began fencing in a new pasture. By we, I mean a fence guy and two Mexicans. Here are a couple of shots of the work being done.
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07 November
Yet Another Sunday Spent In The Emergency Room
At least this time I was the driver and not the patient. But these Sunday trips to the ER are getting quite routine. I even exchanged hello's with a few folks using our first names. Anyway, here's how it happened.
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04 November
Otis, My Man!
I have ALWAYS wondered what happened to Otis Day and the Knights. I am so glad he made something of himself and didn't just ride out being a one hit wonder accidentally made famous by a bit in a movie classic.
By the way, an even bigger story may be the fact that Otis is actually white...
By the way, an even bigger story may be the fact that Otis is actually white...
29 October
Bon Appétit
This purveyor of fine cuisine is located right up the street from our house. The sign sort of raises some issues, don't you think?
First of all, the chef must be considerably younger than me because, if I didn't learn anything in the sixties, I learned that Oscar Mayer has a way with B*O*L*O*G*N*A. Come on, how powerful was that for learning on a massive scale. Madison Avenue should have gotten a Pulitzer for that gem. Obviously it was wasted on someone. Maybe it's not wrong; maybe it's the word sandwich that is misspelled. Hey moron, everyone around here no's it's spelled sammich.
Okay, grammar aside, let’s talks about the nutritional aspects of this entree. Deep Fried? Holy chit. I HAVE heard of them being grilled like a grilled cheese sandwich, but deep fried? I hope they balance out the daily minimum requirements by offering a side of lard and garnishing it with fat back on a delicate bed of pork rinds.
I may have to go up there and buy one of these things so I can photograph it and share it with you, the internet.
28 October
Space Camp
23 October
Reopening Soon
I know, I know. I haven't blogged in weeks. Just way too much going on. I will return soon though I promise.
Top reasons for not blogging in the past two weeks:
-Moved from a house in town to a ranch in the country.
-Moved horses home for the first time.
-Took ex to court.
-Took son to Space Camp.
-Broke my freaking wrist!
Top reasons for not blogging in the past two weeks:
-Moved from a house in town to a ranch in the country.
-Moved horses home for the first time.
-Took ex to court.
-Took son to Space Camp.
-Broke my freaking wrist!
03 October
Brother Can You Spare A Dime?
Okay, I'm still without work. I've given up on finding a job in my field. Apparently, Web Developers are a dime a dozen. I've been looking for almost any job now and guess what? A friend of mine mentions a career path that's been around for years, it's perfect for me, and yet I've never heard of it! How can this be? I blame YOU the internet. You're supposed to be my friends!
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30 September
A Little Giant Ladder, Drugs and a 1965 Mailman
I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep last night so I got up and turned on the boob tube. I can usually find something to put me to sleep. There's nothing more fascinating than discovering the mating habits of octopuses or octopi or whatever. Anyway, I got hung up on an infomercial about the Little Giant Ladder. Not that the Little Giant Ladder is not worth blogging about, it is pretty cool. But what I feel the need to blog about are two things only related to the Little Giant Ladder infomercial.
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26 September
YOU'RE My Favorite
One of the things I don't like about being a horse owner is feeding them in the rain. It's muddy and slick and just no fun really. Today I walked into the pasture and called Boomer first. It's always fun to hear him neigh when he hears his name from across the pasture, but today he ignored me. Soldier on the other hand came galloping across the field even though I hadn't called him. He was very animated. I gave him a treat for coming to me and proceeded to walk across the wet pasture to get Boomer, who has been reluctant to come in when I call him since we put him back in the pasture after his surgery.
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21 September
Conversations From A Horse Show
Me: What are you staring at?
Doug: You see that big electric fan next to the arena?
Me: Yeah?
Doug: At first, I thought it was a wheelchair, which got me to thinking, what if you made a wheelchair with big giant fans over the wheels.
Me: I guess it would cool off all the people next to the wheelchair?
Doug: Exactly!
Me: Cause those people are usually pissed off because their view is obstructed by the wheelchair?
Doug: Exactly! Plus it would keep the handicapped person cool too — they're usually pissed off about something.
Me: Bastards.
Doug: I just don't understand what they are so pissed off about anyway. I know they're paralyzed from the chest down, but hell they get all the best parking spaces. Gimme a break.
Me: (Blank Stare)
Doug: So are you gonna help me make the prototype?
Me: Oh, hell yes!
Doug: Good. Next year at this time, we'll be sittin' back collecting checks.
Doug: You see that big electric fan next to the arena?
Me: Yeah?
Doug: At first, I thought it was a wheelchair, which got me to thinking, what if you made a wheelchair with big giant fans over the wheels.
Me: I guess it would cool off all the people next to the wheelchair?
Doug: Exactly!
Me: Cause those people are usually pissed off because their view is obstructed by the wheelchair?
Doug: Exactly! Plus it would keep the handicapped person cool too — they're usually pissed off about something.
Me: Bastards.
Doug: I just don't understand what they are so pissed off about anyway. I know they're paralyzed from the chest down, but hell they get all the best parking spaces. Gimme a break.
Me: (Blank Stare)
Doug: So are you gonna help me make the prototype?
Me: Oh, hell yes!
Doug: Good. Next year at this time, we'll be sittin' back collecting checks.
11 September
Grab That Cash With Both Hands And Make A Stash
Do you remember all the things growing up that you wouldn't do, even for a million dollars? I remember telling my friend Tommy that I wouldn't kiss Joline Stinski for a million dollars. Who knew someone with the name Stinski would turn out to be a major babe? I also told a friend (Bobby, I think) that I wouldn't let him ride my Schwinn Orange Krate for a million dollars. I think he suspected I was lying.
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08 September
What Do It All Mean?
I had this dream last week that I remembered in detail and have told many people. I'm actually getting tired of repeating it, so I may as well just post it here and refer any friends here who may not have heard it. I realize this is a very vivid dream, but most of my dreams are. I have a theory as to why, but that's probably for another post.
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27 August
Remedial Rodeo
We went to the Rodeo last night with Jay and Sue. Last year's rodeo was my first and I really enjoyed it. This year, not so much. Only two guys successfully wrestled steers, nobody was able to rope a calf or even pen one and nobody was able to stay on a bull either. I'm thinking this was the B Team.
This was Jay and Sue's first rodeo, so that was kind of fun. Sue invented a new phrase or sniglet if you will: Saddle Sniffers - the term used to describe women who hover around the cowboy area like groupies. Jay stood up and hollared when the announcer asked if there was anyone there who was new to rodeo. He really didn't need to stand though; his yelling “Get off the field!” and repeatedly holding up the LOSER sign pretty much gave him away as a newbie. At any rate, a good time was had by all.
This was Jay and Sue's first rodeo, so that was kind of fun. Sue invented a new phrase or sniglet if you will: Saddle Sniffers - the term used to describe women who hover around the cowboy area like groupies. Jay stood up and hollared when the announcer asked if there was anyone there who was new to rodeo. He really didn't need to stand though; his yelling “Get off the field!” and repeatedly holding up the LOSER sign pretty much gave him away as a newbie. At any rate, a good time was had by all.
26 August
Hot Chicks
I stole this picture from the Snowshoe Crab. Sorry, just had to.
23 August
Election Training '05
Why did I do this? WHY? Apparently I blocked out all the madness from my election training last year by the time they called and asked me to do it again this year. Apparently, I had forgotten that I hated working the polls so much that I wrote a song about it and produced a video. Maybe because it's only a special referendum election, I thought it would be simpler. Maybe since they asked me to be a manager this year which means different people and different classes, I thought things might actually be, well...different.
Here's my moron look ==>
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Here's my moron look ==>
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19 August
Oh How I Miss My Playlists
Last year, a friend loaned me a whole sack full of CD's to rip into my iPod. It included the top 100 hits for every year back to 1955. No kidding, I have enough music in my iPod to play bahmitzfas and weddings although when you get beyond 1968, the top 100 includes some pretty obscure songs.
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16 August
70 mile an hour dump
This is turning out to be pet rehab month at the ole Melman homestead. What with all the Boomer drama going on, we almost forgot about scheduling Midge to be fixed. Interesting word, fixed, but that's another blog.
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15 August
Boomer Update
Boomer is doing well. I changed the bandages for the first time and everything looks great. He is very bored in the cell stall though. He has to stay in there a whole week before he can even begin walking. If you want to send him anything, he likes the Quarter Horse Journal, especially the ones with photo features of mares.
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12 August
Get Well Soon Boomer!!!
We took Boomer to the University of Georgia yesterday for evaluation of his navicular disease. Here is a picture of Tammy and Charlene with Boomer in his private hospital stall.
The good news is he's a good surgical candidate as there are no other problems besides the navicular bone. They are going to surgically remove some of the nerve endings at the navicular. We can pick him up tomorrow and then rehab him for 4 - 6 weeks and he should be good to hit the trails again. We are so excited that he's not going to be in pain anymore. Of course, we'll have to keep shoeing him with expensive Nike Cross Trainer Titanium horseshoes (Sea Biscuit Signature Series) which will cost a fortune. But he's worth it.
Send your cards or fruit baskets to UGA Large Animal Hospital, Stall 3, first floor. There's a phone in there but he won't answer it. Also, PLEASE don't send him any flowers as they give him gas.
The good news is he's a good surgical candidate as there are no other problems besides the navicular bone. They are going to surgically remove some of the nerve endings at the navicular. We can pick him up tomorrow and then rehab him for 4 - 6 weeks and he should be good to hit the trails again. We are so excited that he's not going to be in pain anymore. Of course, we'll have to keep shoeing him with expensive Nike Cross Trainer Titanium horseshoes (Sea Biscuit Signature Series) which will cost a fortune. But he's worth it.
Send your cards or fruit baskets to UGA Large Animal Hospital, Stall 3, first floor. There's a phone in there but he won't answer it. Also, PLEASE don't send him any flowers as they give him gas.
04 August
Good Way To Lose An Ear
I posted this because it's a great picture but it would say so much more if you could hear the sound!
03 August
The Great Tomato Caper
My tomatoes have been a source of some frustration this year. They are growing fine and looking plump on the vine. The problem is...
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01 August
Speaking of Hair...
I forgot to mention, I got my hair highlighted for camp again this year. What can I say, the kids love it. The hard part is sitting in the chair with all those old tin foil headed ladies, listening to them talk about stuff like where to get the best string beans or what works best at a garage sale.
So there I sit, messing with my cell phone like I am trying to find one of my important clients to call back when in fact, I am playing bejeweled and listening to the garage sale tips. [Read More!]
So there I sit, messing with my cell phone like I am trying to find one of my important clients to call back when in fact, I am playing bejeweled and listening to the garage sale tips. [Read More!]
28 July
Cowboy Night
Okay, okay! I'll write something. I didn't even realize people actually read this blog, but my email is actually filling up with bored readers! I've been very busy lately with Camp Horizon. This was my third year as a counselor. Compared to other years, this was the toughest for me but the summer camp was not without its high points.
Every year, there is a different theme for camp. Last year it was a safari, the year before it was the beach, this year the theme was western round-up. Since there is always a dress up night, I thought it'd be fun to wear cowboy stuff, you know, leather vest, cowboy hat, bandana, etc. Believe it or not, I couldn't find any of that stuff. Party City had a cowboy hat, but it was felt and looked kind of pimpish. They didn't have a vest, but I found a hippy costume with sort of a vest with long fringes. I did find a sheriff's badge and a bandana, so I figured I was set. I should have tried it all on at the same time and looked in the mirror first... [Read More!]
Every year, there is a different theme for camp. Last year it was a safari, the year before it was the beach, this year the theme was western round-up. Since there is always a dress up night, I thought it'd be fun to wear cowboy stuff, you know, leather vest, cowboy hat, bandana, etc. Believe it or not, I couldn't find any of that stuff. Party City had a cowboy hat, but it was felt and looked kind of pimpish. They didn't have a vest, but I found a hippy costume with sort of a vest with long fringes. I did find a sheriff's badge and a bandana, so I figured I was set. I should have tried it all on at the same time and looked in the mirror first... [Read More!]
28 May
Excuse Me.....While I Kiss the Ground
It was an interesting day at the old stable. My horse Boomer has been semi-lame on his front leg on and off for a few months now, so we decided to call the vet and have him look at it. Well, just like taking your car in for a weird pinging noise which stops when you get to the mechanic - Boomer was showing no signs of lameness for the vet. So the vet asked me to get on and ride him. No problem, I've ridden Boomer bareback before, so I jumped up and pulled myself on by his neck and my leg came over, right into his side. Boomer took off and I went down. I don't even remember how I landed.
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23 May
Tent Physics
Wow, have I lost my blog motivation or what. Maybe what. I have been kind of busy lately. I've been trail riding at least twice a week. Then we bought a new horse. Last weekend was Boy Scout camping.
[Read More!]
12 May
Straw Condoms
When did the whole world switch from conventional drinking straw coverings to these stupid condoms? I know they've been around a while and I have been sucking it up and trying not to rant about it, but I'm sick of it. As Cheech Marin said, “I'm sick up and fed”!
[Read More!]
29 April
Domestic Abuse
Report: 043005DA-961
Complainant: Jef Meulemans, aka: Melman
Incident City: Marietta, Georgia
Responded to above address in reference to domestic abuse complaints. Complainant states abuse began a few weeks ago and continues to increase in frequency. Complainant has suffered multiple wounds.
Reference Incident (A): Complainant stated earlier in the week he entered garage area to find assailant using complainant's tennis equipment. Upon trying to reclaim said equipment as it rolled across the floor, complainant was head-butted and scratched in the face by assailant.
Exhibit (A)
Reference Incident (B): Complainant stated he was walking through the living room area two days later when assailant was seen attempting to defecate in said room. When complainant attempted to stop assailant, complainant's hand was lacerated by assailant.
Exhibit (B)
Reference Incident (C): Complainant was admittedly taunting assailant last evening with a “chip” when assailant unexpectedly attacked complainant. During the scuffle, the complainant's ear was bitten by the assailant.
Exhibit (C)
Reference Incident (D): Just prior to respondent call, the complainant was in his bedroom sleeping when he was violently awakened by the, once again, attacking assailant. Complainant suffered significant arm lacerations.
Exhibit (D)
In addition to the complainant's statement, one witness was interviewed. Witness was the assailant’s legal guardian in addition to the fiancé of the complainant. Witness indicated that it was her opinion that the assailant was just going through a phase common to someone of this age. Witness also felt as if complainant was asking for the documented abuse.
Due to the extreme hyperactivity and unpredictability of the assailant, no fingerprints were taken. Subject was instead photographed and reprimanded.
Suspect Photo:
Odie's Midget Opal, aka: Midge
End Report: 043005DA-961
Complainant: Jef Meulemans, aka: Melman
Incident City: Marietta, Georgia
Responded to above address in reference to domestic abuse complaints. Complainant states abuse began a few weeks ago and continues to increase in frequency. Complainant has suffered multiple wounds.
Reference Incident (A): Complainant stated earlier in the week he entered garage area to find assailant using complainant's tennis equipment. Upon trying to reclaim said equipment as it rolled across the floor, complainant was head-butted and scratched in the face by assailant.
Exhibit (A)
Reference Incident (B): Complainant stated he was walking through the living room area two days later when assailant was seen attempting to defecate in said room. When complainant attempted to stop assailant, complainant's hand was lacerated by assailant.
Exhibit (B)
Reference Incident (C): Complainant was admittedly taunting assailant last evening with a “chip” when assailant unexpectedly attacked complainant. During the scuffle, the complainant's ear was bitten by the assailant.
Exhibit (C)
Reference Incident (D): Just prior to respondent call, the complainant was in his bedroom sleeping when he was violently awakened by the, once again, attacking assailant. Complainant suffered significant arm lacerations.
Exhibit (D)
In addition to the complainant's statement, one witness was interviewed. Witness was the assailant’s legal guardian in addition to the fiancé of the complainant. Witness indicated that it was her opinion that the assailant was just going through a phase common to someone of this age. Witness also felt as if complainant was asking for the documented abuse.
Due to the extreme hyperactivity and unpredictability of the assailant, no fingerprints were taken. Subject was instead photographed and reprimanded.
Suspect Photo:
Odie's Midget Opal, aka: Midge
End Report: 043005DA-961
28 April
Aging - Part II
Since my eyes refused to accept my contact lenses any longer, I agreed to go get a new prescription. I figured I may as well get new glasses also even though I knew I'd have to end my denial phase and accept the fact that they will be bifocals. I was eager to be able to read a menu without removing my glasses or having to wear reading glasses over the contacts. I settled on a pair of rimless ones that were very light and comfortable.
When they came in though, I was disappointed that I could only see things clearly if I looked straight ahead. Anything in my peripheral vision was blurred. When I took them back and explained the defect the woman behind the counter just smiled. “That's the downside to bifocals sir”. She didn't say sir like you say to your boss or the police or something, she said sir like you say to your grandpa, or some disoriented old man wandering around in the mall. She went on to explain how bifocals affect the lens shape and how common my complaint was to “old people”. Yeah, no, she didn't actually say old people; I don't even remember what words she used. But it meant old people, believe me. She also told me that my option was to buy a pair of glasses for distance, one for close up and one for reading. Again, she didn't actually use the words “like Fred Sanford” but I knew that's what she meant.
So now, I'm driving like my dad; craning my neck around to see everything directly. I'm sure it's just a matter of days before I start making the same noises he makes and calling everything crap. But the worst part is, I can't casually glance over or use my peripheral vision to see if the woman next to me has a gaping button on her blouse, or how much cleavage the cashier is showing. It absolutely sucks!
When they came in though, I was disappointed that I could only see things clearly if I looked straight ahead. Anything in my peripheral vision was blurred. When I took them back and explained the defect the woman behind the counter just smiled. “That's the downside to bifocals sir”. She didn't say sir like you say to your boss or the police or something, she said sir like you say to your grandpa, or some disoriented old man wandering around in the mall. She went on to explain how bifocals affect the lens shape and how common my complaint was to “old people”. Yeah, no, she didn't actually say old people; I don't even remember what words she used. But it meant old people, believe me. She also told me that my option was to buy a pair of glasses for distance, one for close up and one for reading. Again, she didn't actually use the words “like Fred Sanford” but I knew that's what she meant.
So now, I'm driving like my dad; craning my neck around to see everything directly. I'm sure it's just a matter of days before I start making the same noises he makes and calling everything crap. But the worst part is, I can't casually glance over or use my peripheral vision to see if the woman next to me has a gaping button on her blouse, or how much cleavage the cashier is showing. It absolutely sucks!
09 April
Duck Hunting
02 April
F.B.Oopse
Wow, Nichols must be a genius! Who on earth would have ever thought to look in the crawl space of his home for evidence? Certainly not the FBI. My God, please tell me they just miscommunicated rather than the thought not even occurring to them.
...“I thought I told you to check out the crawlspace”!
...“Yeah, and I told you there was no way — there were creepy-crawly's in there”!
Old Blue
I was perusing the chatter over on The Crazy Island about crazy car experiences when I was reminded of one of my own. My first duty assignment in the Air Force back in 1977 was at Grissom AFB, Indiana. After a week, I was tired of walking every where so I bought myself a nice luxury vehicle; a 1965 Oldsmobile Delta 98. “Old Blue” as she was famously referred to around base. What a boat. This thing could comfortably seat about eight families. And boy was it loaded. For a twelve year-old car, it was way ahead of it's time. It had electric everything, including power antenna, multi-directional electric seats and cruise control. The bright lights even dimmed automatically when another car approached.
[Read More!]
30 March
The New Nope
25 March
Those Darn Racist Coyotes
According to our Homeowners' Association Newsletter, there have been several coyote sightings in the neighborhood and we should keep close watch on our pets/kids under 50lbs. It goes on to say that “coyotes have been attracted to white dogs and orange cats”.
Isn't that interesting? Wouldn't you think that color would be more universal? What do they do if they accidentally snatch a white cat? Do they spit it out and start gagging? Also, what does an orange cat look like? I'm not sure I've ever seen one, except in the Publix bakery around Halloween.
Isn't that interesting? Wouldn't you think that color would be more universal? What do they do if they accidentally snatch a white cat? Do they spit it out and start gagging? Also, what does an orange cat look like? I'm not sure I've ever seen one, except in the Publix bakery around Halloween.
14 March
Sir Jay Day
Wow, what a great weekend here in Georgia. Sunday I went horseback riding on Boomer in Dawson Forest, less than an hour north of Atlanta. You can take a look at some pictures in my photo gallery.
On Saturday though, it was Sir Jay day. The poor guy is going through a lot. He's a very young Thoroughbred who doesn't seem to know how horses are supposed to act. In fact, he's more like a big lanky dog then a TB racehorse. When you call him from the pasture, half the time he will run to you and slam on the brakes at the last minute. It's a huge thrill to see an animal that big so excited to see you. Sunday, when I called the horses and Jay began running, my Quarter Horse Boomer started running too but then he stopped and started looking around like he didn't want any of the other horses to see him running like a 5 year-old TB. How embarrassing would that be? I'd hate for him to have to stand around the hay bails with his Quarter Horse buddies while they harass him about running through the pasture to see his human.
Anyway, back to Jay. He wasn't in great shape when we bought him. He looked a little neglected. And of course he was low man on the totem pole in the pasture. “New Guys” get harassed, chased, kicked and bitten for quite some time until they make friends and establish themselves. Well, he wasn't putting any weight on, so we had him moved up to the barn where he could be fed three times a day. Obviously he was confused about where his home was in addition to being brand spankin' “New Guy” in the barn community. Now he's back out in the pasture and he's brand spankin' “New Guy” yet again! And going from the warm dry barn to the cool WET pastures has caused his hair to start falling out in clumps. You know that sparse beard look sported by Smoky Robinson, Bob Marley and Bob Dylan? That's how Jay looks. No kidding, I heard one of the Palomino’s holler out to his buds, “Hey look, here comes Sinead O'Conner!” (Palomino’s are the worst bullies).
So I spent Saturday grooming him, feeding him carrots and running him in circles around the Palomino’s in the pasture. He loved it too! Especially when he heard me hollering at them, “Yeah, who's the beeotch NOW you buncha slow beige has-beens - which one of you is Mister Ed??!!” When we were done, Jay held his head much higher and definitely had a spring in his step. Of course, they probably all kicked his ass after I left, but at least he had HIS afternoon in the sun.
On Saturday though, it was Sir Jay day. The poor guy is going through a lot. He's a very young Thoroughbred who doesn't seem to know how horses are supposed to act. In fact, he's more like a big lanky dog then a TB racehorse. When you call him from the pasture, half the time he will run to you and slam on the brakes at the last minute. It's a huge thrill to see an animal that big so excited to see you. Sunday, when I called the horses and Jay began running, my Quarter Horse Boomer started running too but then he stopped and started looking around like he didn't want any of the other horses to see him running like a 5 year-old TB. How embarrassing would that be? I'd hate for him to have to stand around the hay bails with his Quarter Horse buddies while they harass him about running through the pasture to see his human.
Anyway, back to Jay. He wasn't in great shape when we bought him. He looked a little neglected. And of course he was low man on the totem pole in the pasture. “New Guys” get harassed, chased, kicked and bitten for quite some time until they make friends and establish themselves. Well, he wasn't putting any weight on, so we had him moved up to the barn where he could be fed three times a day. Obviously he was confused about where his home was in addition to being brand spankin' “New Guy” in the barn community. Now he's back out in the pasture and he's brand spankin' “New Guy” yet again! And going from the warm dry barn to the cool WET pastures has caused his hair to start falling out in clumps. You know that sparse beard look sported by Smoky Robinson, Bob Marley and Bob Dylan? That's how Jay looks. No kidding, I heard one of the Palomino’s holler out to his buds, “Hey look, here comes Sinead O'Conner!” (Palomino’s are the worst bullies).
So I spent Saturday grooming him, feeding him carrots and running him in circles around the Palomino’s in the pasture. He loved it too! Especially when he heard me hollering at them, “Yeah, who's the beeotch NOW you buncha slow beige has-beens - which one of you is Mister Ed??!!” When we were done, Jay held his head much higher and definitely had a spring in his step. Of course, they probably all kicked his ass after I left, but at least he had HIS afternoon in the sun.
12 March
Presidency Test
11 March
On Jumping to Conclusions
Last night I was downstairs working on my latest web project when I saw young Brett walk past my door and out into the Garage. Based on the conversation he was having with himself, I could tell he didn't know I was down there. About thirty seconds later I heard the sound of an engine starting. I barely noticed it because I was kind of engrossed in my project, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “If he's going to the store, I hope that's the XTerra and not the Mini; he's too irresponsible for the Mini.” About the time the engine stopped, reality snapped me out of my zone and I realized, “He's ten! He's too young to drive!” I may be getting old, but I can still figure stuff out.
When he walked back in he noticed me in the office and looked a little startled when I asked, “What are you doing out there Brett?”
To which he replied, “Um, I had to get my book-bag out of the Mini.” He turned and proceeded down the hall.
“So why did you start the car?” I hollered out.
“Because my lunch was [unintelligible]....” he replied, putting great distance between us as he seemed to be hurrying up the steps.
Now, as luck would have it, I used to be a ten year-old boy myself, so I knew what to do. I flew up the steps and confronted him. “So why did you have to start the car?”
“Because it was locked and I tried unlocking it but it didn't work so I had to start the car but then I noticed I flipped the switch the wrong way so I flipped it again and it unlocked.”
Man, did I have egg on my face.
When he walked back in he noticed me in the office and looked a little startled when I asked, “What are you doing out there Brett?”
To which he replied, “Um, I had to get my book-bag out of the Mini.” He turned and proceeded down the hall.
“So why did you start the car?” I hollered out.
“Because my lunch was [unintelligible]....” he replied, putting great distance between us as he seemed to be hurrying up the steps.
Now, as luck would have it, I used to be a ten year-old boy myself, so I knew what to do. I flew up the steps and confronted him. “So why did you have to start the car?”
“Because it was locked and I tried unlocking it but it didn't work so I had to start the car but then I noticed I flipped the switch the wrong way so I flipped it again and it unlocked.”
Man, did I have egg on my face.
09 March
This little piggy had no balls
This farm had over 800 pigs at any given time. There were things we did every day, there were things we did every week and there were things we did every month. One of the monthly things was castration. Yeah man, you heard me. When a pig reached forty pounds, it was time for him to get castrated. It made them less aggressive but more importantly, it made them bulk up.
With a farm this size, there were usually in the range of fifty to one hundred pigs ready for castration each month. The procedure doesn't require a veterinarian’s license, but it does require some type of certification. I guess it goes without saying that a job like that also requires a good sense of humor. Anyway, back to humility. My job in this process was to hold the pig while he was being castrated. To do this, I would lift him by his hind legs so that his belly was facing away from me, and then stick his head between my legs while pulling his hind legs straight up towards my ears. Nice huh. This pretty much put his crotch right under my chin. It would only take about three quick swipes of the cutters scalpel to remove a testicle which he would then casually toss on the floor. By the end of the afternoon it felt like I was ankle deep in pig nuts.
Since both of my hands were in use, I was at the mercy of this comedian/nut cutter and had no way to prevent him from bouncing an occasional ball off my young head. Sooooo funny wasn't it, you rat bastard! One time he shoved one in my shirt pocket and I forgot about it until I heard my mom screaming in the laundry room the next day. Yeah. Imagine YOUR the therapist and your patient tells you her son brings home testicles. Oh yeah, pockets full of them...
I guess you're wondering why I'm telling you this. I have no idea. I guess I just thought you should know.
08 March
Jose can you see...
Am I wrong, or do most people hate the Star Spangled Banner? Most people can't sing it, don't know the words, or both. I thought I'd noticed a trend in recent years in moving away from the SSB and giving more devotion to God Bless America. Now Laura Bush is leading the National Anthem Project to cram this stupid song down our throats again. I hate conservatives! 'Well, people don't seem to like this song much anymore. Rather than find a new one that's more appropriate and easier to sing, let's just expose them all to the lyrics. Frequently.'
Before you read on to view the actual lyrics (I know, I'm playing right into their hand), here are a few facts about the Star Spangled Banner:
1) The lyrics were in fact written by Frances Scott Key, but the melody was lifted from the British song, To Anacreon in Heaven.
2) 61% of American adults polled said they knew all the song's words. Hah!
3) Only 39% could correctly finish this line correctly; "Whose broad stripes and bright stars ...
Can you finish it?? [Read More!]
Before you read on to view the actual lyrics (I know, I'm playing right into their hand), here are a few facts about the Star Spangled Banner:
1) The lyrics were in fact written by Frances Scott Key, but the melody was lifted from the British song, To Anacreon in Heaven.
2) 61% of American adults polled said they knew all the song's words. Hah!
3) Only 39% could correctly finish this line correctly; "Whose broad stripes and bright stars ...
Can you finish it?? [Read More!]
05 March
Conversations From The Back Seat
Young Andrew - No, you'll steal it, like you stole my Dragon Master card.
Young Brett - I didn't steal it, I gave it back.
Young Andrew: Yeah, a week later.
Young Brett: Well, I didn't steal it.
Melman: If you took it, it's still stealing even if you gave it back.
Young Brett: What if I gave him an even better card back?
Melman: Stealing.
Young Andrew: You'd have to give me two Dragon Master's AND a Doom Slayer for it not to be stealing.
Young Brett: I should have traded it with my Key Master card and I could have gotten two Doom Slayers and kept one for myself and given the other two to you.
Melman: It's even worse if you do something wrong and then profit by it too.
Young Andrew: I do that all the time.
Melman: You do? And you call yourself a Cub Scout?
Young Andrew: Well, if I hit my sister, it usually profits me.
Melman: How does that profit you?
Young Andrew: I don't know, it just does.
Young Brett: It helps his self-esteem.
Young Brett - I didn't steal it, I gave it back.
Young Andrew: Yeah, a week later.
Young Brett: Well, I didn't steal it.
Melman: If you took it, it's still stealing even if you gave it back.
Young Brett: What if I gave him an even better card back?
Melman: Stealing.
Young Andrew: You'd have to give me two Dragon Master's AND a Doom Slayer for it not to be stealing.
Young Brett: I should have traded it with my Key Master card and I could have gotten two Doom Slayers and kept one for myself and given the other two to you.
Melman: It's even worse if you do something wrong and then profit by it too.
Young Andrew: I do that all the time.
Melman: You do? And you call yourself a Cub Scout?
Young Andrew: Well, if I hit my sister, it usually profits me.
Melman: How does that profit you?
Young Andrew: I don't know, it just does.
Young Brett: It helps his self-esteem.
02 March
Dog Walkin'est Neighborhood
In all the places I've lived over the years, I've NEVER seen more people walking their dogs than I've seen in my current sub-division. It's weird and it's getting on my nerves. It's not only the number of dog-walkers, but it's also the kind of dogs being walked. Does a Yorkshire Terrier really need to be walked down the street on a leash? Throw that thing out on the deck and let him run himself silly. There are also a few walkers who have two or three dogs; big dogs. I thought I'd only see this in New York.
I have nothing against dogs, in fact Ilove like dogs. And I have nothing against walking your dog in the neighborhood. Just quit making me feel like a criminal for driving down the same road you're walking your dog on. It's my road too. They snatch their dogs off the road and look at me like I'm a fleeing cop killer. I know what the speed limit is but my neighborhood is loaded with twisting turns and curvy streets; even at the speed limit those turns make it look like you're going faster than you are. Besides that, I drive a Mini Cooper. What's the point of having it if you can't race through the neighborhood?
Get the hell out of my way, I gotta get to work! I can't help it if your dog team is out of control and your legs are tangled up in leashes. You should have thought of that every time you bought another dog. Learn to say no lady! And get the hell out of my way. I used to immediately hit the brakes and go as slow and wide as I could whenever I came up on a dog walker. But it was taking forever to get out of the neighborhood with all these people and dogs. And they'd still give me that look like I shouldn't be driving on the street. Not any more. No more slowing down. No more giving a wide berth. No more leaving my headlights on. No more refraining from psychotic laughter as they dive onto the nearest lawn. Get the hell out of my way!
I have nothing against dogs, in fact I
Get the hell out of my way, I gotta get to work! I can't help it if your dog team is out of control and your legs are tangled up in leashes. You should have thought of that every time you bought another dog. Learn to say no lady! And get the hell out of my way. I used to immediately hit the brakes and go as slow and wide as I could whenever I came up on a dog walker. But it was taking forever to get out of the neighborhood with all these people and dogs. And they'd still give me that look like I shouldn't be driving on the street. Not any more. No more slowing down. No more giving a wide berth. No more leaving my headlights on. No more refraining from psychotic laughter as they dive onto the nearest lawn. Get the hell out of my way!
28 February
Famous Idiots
While watching TV the other night, we saw some commercial with William Hung. Charlene said something about not believing that this guy is now famous. That led to a disscussion of Famous Idiots.
The first one that came to mind was Eddie the Eagle, England's only ski jumper in the '88 Olympics. He had those coke bottle glasses and barely made it over the jump.
Rosie Ruiz, the cheating Boston marathoner.
Billy Carter!
Remember Leon Splinks?
I can't even remember all of them we were throwing back and forth. I'm sure we all have favorites.
The first one that came to mind was Eddie the Eagle, England's only ski jumper in the '88 Olympics. He had those coke bottle glasses and barely made it over the jump.
Rosie Ruiz, the cheating Boston marathoner.
Billy Carter!
Remember Leon Splinks?
I can't even remember all of them we were throwing back and forth. I'm sure we all have favorites.
17 February
Walking, Breathing Dichotomies
Lunchtime; I'm sitting at a stoplight watching the guy in front of me stick his arm out the window to flick the ashes off his cigarette. There's a yellow Lance Armstrong Foundation band on his wrist. Is it just me or does that just not make any sense?
It makes about as much sense as a necktie and a ball cap, or a necktie with short sleeves, or suspenders and a belt or my favorite one; shorts, sandals and a big heavy coat. I kid you not I see that one all the time coming out of the grocery store.
It makes about as much sense as a necktie and a ball cap, or a necktie with short sleeves, or suspenders and a belt or my favorite one; shorts, sandals and a big heavy coat. I kid you not I see that one all the time coming out of the grocery store.
15 February
Grilled Bird For Lunch
I don't know why, but everything always seems to happen to me at lunch. I was looking for just the right palate enhancing cuisine drive-thru when this bird decided to cross the road in front of me, low. Too low. There was no mistaking the loud thud. Flight 111 definitely just bought the farm. The thud was loud enough for me to wonder if my car sustained any damage. I was kind of in a hurry though so I figured I'd check it when I got back to work. There was nothing I could do about it now anyway so I pulled into Le McDonalds, placed my order, paid for it and pulled up to the window to wait for my food. By food, I mean clump of cholesterol, fat, and sodium in a sesame seed bun. Just then this couple walked out the door headed for their car when the woman looked my way. I don't think I can describe the look on her face. Horrified, repulsed, shocked, dismayed, I don't know, sheer terror could also be used. My first thought was that I resembled someone she knew but thought was in prison. Then I noticed the look on the guy's face. He was all but rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter as he stared at the front of my car. You know how when children get hurt and cry so hard they run out of breath and turn red? This guy was laughing like that.
Obviously I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see what was going on with the front of my car. I grabbed my food and pulled into an empty parking space to take a look. The front of my car was covered in feathers. Not just the grille mind you, although that was the most densely covered, but the bumper, fenders, air dam, and lights were all covered. The blood-spatter was holding them in place. If that wasn't enough to attract attention, then the nearly naked dead bird hanging by his head in the grille certainly was! Good God man, the Manson family left less carnage!
I leveraged the bird's head out with a bic pen and headed back to work, embarrassed by the fact that feathers were still flying out but smirking at the thought that I at least had new blogging material.
Obviously I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see what was going on with the front of my car. I grabbed my food and pulled into an empty parking space to take a look. The front of my car was covered in feathers. Not just the grille mind you, although that was the most densely covered, but the bumper, fenders, air dam, and lights were all covered. The blood-spatter was holding them in place. If that wasn't enough to attract attention, then the nearly naked dead bird hanging by his head in the grille certainly was! Good God man, the Manson family left less carnage!
I leveraged the bird's head out with a bic pen and headed back to work, embarrassed by the fact that feathers were still flying out but smirking at the thought that I at least had new blogging material.
14 February
FBI Warning!
Dear Hollywood Lawyers,
Why do I have to put up with this stupid warning every time I watch a DVD? I know why it has to be there, but why can't I skip it or at least fast-forward through it like I could on a VHS tape? I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS; I don't need to read it a million times, so please stop locking me out of FF/Skip with your stupid little
09 February
No Fine Dining Heyah
I badly needed to get out of the office today. The stress fiesta is unbelievable. Intense enough to keep me from blogging, as you can tell. I grabbed a burger and pulled into the old Wal-Mart parking lot, now empty, desolate, trashy; just the kind of place truckers look for to unhook their trailers while they go take care of bidness.
Anyway, I'm dining on a nice gourmet entree junior with fries while staring at the weedy, overgrown bush in front of me when I'm suddenly boxed in by two tow trucks. Interesting side note; trying typing "two tow trucks" three times in a row really fast. One of them starts lining up like he's going to hook up to my bumper! He gets out and sees me sitting there and walks up timidly, like he's expecting to see me doing something nasty. I lower the window and he says, "Ah, you need ta roll on outta heyah. Ain't no parking heyah."
No problem man, don't know what I was thinking. Big empty parking lot, what the hell was I doing parking in it! Not only did the truckers only leave about 750 empty spaces, but here I was taking up the one with arguably the best weedy, overgrown bush on the lot. And I wasn't even a patron of the non-existent Wal-Mart!
I thought about telling him I wasn't parking, but just moving back and forth in the space, but I knew I had enough stress inside the office without adding to it on the outside.
Anyway, I'm dining on a nice gourmet entree junior with fries while staring at the weedy, overgrown bush in front of me when I'm suddenly boxed in by two tow trucks. Interesting side note; trying typing "two tow trucks" three times in a row really fast. One of them starts lining up like he's going to hook up to my bumper! He gets out and sees me sitting there and walks up timidly, like he's expecting to see me doing something nasty. I lower the window and he says, "Ah, you need ta roll on outta heyah. Ain't no parking heyah."
No problem man, don't know what I was thinking. Big empty parking lot, what the hell was I doing parking in it! Not only did the truckers only leave about 750 empty spaces, but here I was taking up the one with arguably the best weedy, overgrown bush on the lot. And I wasn't even a patron of the non-existent Wal-Mart!
I thought about telling him I wasn't parking, but just moving back and forth in the space, but I knew I had enough stress inside the office without adding to it on the outside.
03 February
When Nature Needs A Helping Hand
I wonder if anyone is as tired as I am of drug commercials. The Pharmaceutical companies seem to have purchased the lion’s share of television advertising in prime time. Allergies, heart disease, future heart disease, diabetes, headaches, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, indigestion, high cholesterol, future high cholesterol, arthritis, erectile dysfunction...just take a pill.
What the hell is erectile dysfunction anyway? Am I to assume that there are enough men with this dysfunction to justify the need for a national campaign? I understand enough people complained about that media blitz during primetime to cause advertisers to make a change. Now they refer to it as E.D. Yup, that solved the problem. No more explanations requested by our stupid children now.
Fortunately for us, congress has stepped in and done the right thing; no, not with restrictions, but with disclosure. So now we not only have to watch corny ads depicting lazy, bummed-out people with messed up hair suddenly getting a make-over before they happily skip across the beach at sundown, but we have to hear how it might cause allergies, heart disease, future heart disease, diabetes, headaches, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, indigestion, high cholesterol, future high cholesterol, arthritis, erectile dysfunction, and oily discharge. Oily discharge?!! To quote James Gregory, "I'd just as soon have indigestion as shit myself!"
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't depict consumers as major morons. The Dimetapp commercial shows a mom dumping the tablespoonful of cold medicine on her kid's T-shirt. No mom in the world is that frickin' spastic. What's worse, her voice-over says "Now what do I do? Give him more? Wait?" Yeah lady, you should wait. That entire tablespoon is going to drain out of that T-shirt and into his sponge-like skin where it will join up with that second tablespoonful and cause a Dimetapp overdose.
Loss of a mind is a serious side effect. Too bad the drug industry hasn't come up with a pill for it.
What the hell is erectile dysfunction anyway? Am I to assume that there are enough men with this dysfunction to justify the need for a national campaign? I understand enough people complained about that media blitz during primetime to cause advertisers to make a change. Now they refer to it as E.D. Yup, that solved the problem. No more explanations requested by our stupid children now.
Fortunately for us, congress has stepped in and done the right thing; no, not with restrictions, but with disclosure. So now we not only have to watch corny ads depicting lazy, bummed-out people with messed up hair suddenly getting a make-over before they happily skip across the beach at sundown, but we have to hear how it might cause allergies, heart disease, future heart disease, diabetes, headaches, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, indigestion, high cholesterol, future high cholesterol, arthritis, erectile dysfunction, and oily discharge. Oily discharge?!! To quote James Gregory, "I'd just as soon have indigestion as shit myself!"
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't depict consumers as major morons. The Dimetapp commercial shows a mom dumping the tablespoonful of cold medicine on her kid's T-shirt. No mom in the world is that frickin' spastic. What's worse, her voice-over says "Now what do I do? Give him more? Wait?" Yeah lady, you should wait. That entire tablespoon is going to drain out of that T-shirt and into his sponge-like skin where it will join up with that second tablespoonful and cause a Dimetapp overdose.
Loss of a mind is a serious side effect. Too bad the drug industry hasn't come up with a pill for it.
02 February
Happy Groundhog Day!
Don't drive angry...
31 January
Wow, how does he make his wheels do that?
I never wanted to have to comment on this but since the fad seems to be growing I find myself forced to go on record as saying: Quit spending money on those hubcap spinner things! They’re stupid.
Come on. They pull up to a red light and it looks like the wheels are still turning. We all know they are not, so who do they think they're foolin'?! I can understand the novelty among high school kids, but the ones I've seen have all been on cars driven by grown men! Grow up! Why don't you clothes-pin baseball cards to them too so they make that clickity sound like a fake motorcycle. And you could also wear a nice matching propeller beanie, you know, it could also be spinning at the red light; like you were ready for take-off. You might as well complete the ensemble with some expensive X-Ray Vision sunglasses. Wouldn't that be funny watching women everywhere cover up their breasts?
In other news, I got a letter in the mail on Friday from AOPA stamped OPEN IMMEDIATELY. I still haven't opened it. I don't care. That's just the kind of devil-may-care, livin'-on-the-edge kind of rebel I am. I may not even open it until Wednesday baby!
Come on. They pull up to a red light and it looks like the wheels are still turning. We all know they are not, so who do they think they're foolin'?! I can understand the novelty among high school kids, but the ones I've seen have all been on cars driven by grown men! Grow up! Why don't you clothes-pin baseball cards to them too so they make that clickity sound like a fake motorcycle. And you could also wear a nice matching propeller beanie, you know, it could also be spinning at the red light; like you were ready for take-off. You might as well complete the ensemble with some expensive X-Ray Vision sunglasses. Wouldn't that be funny watching women everywhere cover up their breasts?
In other news, I got a letter in the mail on Friday from AOPA stamped OPEN IMMEDIATELY. I still haven't opened it. I don't care. That's just the kind of devil-may-care, livin'-on-the-edge kind of rebel I am. I may not even open it until Wednesday baby!
27 January
Dear Office Mate Who Microwaved The Fish
How the hell can you eat that? I can't even breathe here! I'm not kidding; I'm choking back the kind of gag one gets while wiping up somebody else’s warm puke. And what in the hell did you mix with it? It's definitely not just fish; it's some God-awful combination of fish, broccoli, cabbage, garlic and seasoned bile. Whatever it is, you should add some shredded cheese, wrap it tightly in a tortilla and then flush it down the damn toilet.
*Update-None of us had any air freshener, but we did find a can of Raid. It didn't help. Whatever this stench is broke down the pesticide immediately. I'm starting to think this might be the work of al-Qaeda.
*Update-None of us had any air freshener, but we did find a can of Raid. It didn't help. Whatever this stench is broke down the pesticide immediately. I'm starting to think this might be the work of al-Qaeda.
26 January
You can call me Reverend
Now available to perform your ceremony.
I kid you not.
I kid you not.
25 January
Four More Years
24 January
Build me up just to let me down...
I thought I would scare a couple of ten year olds playing in the back yard after dark. I jumped out from around the corner just long enough to throw a lit package of firecrackers their way before jumping back into the darkness. I listened for their reaction.
Brett: "I think that was my mom."
Andrew: "That wasn't your mom."
Brett: "Are you sure?"
Andrew: "Does your mom have short hair?"
Andrew: "Does your mom have a muscular chest?"
This brought a proud smile to my face until...
Andrew: "And a beer gut?"
Brett: "I think that was my mom."
Andrew: "That wasn't your mom."
Brett: "Are you sure?"
Andrew: "Does your mom have short hair?"
Andrew: "Does your mom have a muscular chest?"
This brought a proud smile to my face until...
Andrew: "And a beer gut?"
20 January
Camera For Sale
As you may have heard, I recently went on holiday in Pamplona, Spain. Unfortunately, while I was there I found myself in need of hospitalization which turned out to be quite costly. I am selling some things I no longer need in order to make up some of the money lost to medical bills. My Nikon D70 is one of the things I am willing to part with. Email me if interested. To see what great quality pictures this thing takes click here to see the last picture I took with it.
14 January
Count Me Blue!
13 January
Jesus on the Half Shell
What is up with this? Last week, the Virgin Mary showed up on a grilled cheese sandwich. This week, Christ appeared on an oyster shell. It's disheartening that I can't see past the barnacles. What the heck kind of Christian am I if I can't tell the difference between Jesus Christ and Captain Jack Sparrow.
One thing's for sure. I need to start paying more attention to what I'm eating.
12 January
Hyper Focus Pocus
Man oh man oh man. I hate when my stupid job gets in the way of my social life. I've been heads down on a project for three days now. Because it's important work and I'm the only one who can do it? HAAAAhahhahha. Not so much. Is it because I want to please people and give them nothing but the very best? Yeah, right. What it is, is, I am an anal retentive, obsessive freak with a tendency to hyper focus on mundane details.
I swear I feel like I have been gone for a week. The cubicle right across from me has a plant now. I don't know where it came from or when it got there. My coffee cup is slam full of ice-cold coffee and my phone has SEVEN messages on it. I've been right here! How could I have not heard the phone?!
Maybe I was abducted by aliens and made to only think I've been working on a project. Now that I think of it, my butt is kind of sore.....
I swear I feel like I have been gone for a week. The cubicle right across from me has a plant now. I don't know where it came from or when it got there. My coffee cup is slam full of ice-cold coffee and my phone has SEVEN messages on it. I've been right here! How could I have not heard the phone?!
Maybe I was abducted by aliens and made to only think I've been working on a project. Now that I think of it, my butt is kind of sore.....
07 January
Coffee Protocol
OOOoooo, oh. I just got a look. An "excuse me, you're being rude" look. When I get coffee, I put the powdered creamer in first, then drop in a stir-stick, then pour the coffee in. I've always assumed that was the correct protocol. If you put the coffee in first, then the creamer floats on top and sticks to the stir-stick.
Well every now and then, I end up colliding with someone in the condiment area who doesn't know the protocol. They get their coffee first, and we run into each other reaching for the creamer/sugar. Do they have the condiment right-of-way just because they already poured the coffee?
My thinking is, they should have to wait because they didn't follow the coffee protocol.
Well every now and then, I end up colliding with someone in the condiment area who doesn't know the protocol. They get their coffee first, and we run into each other reaching for the creamer/sugar. Do they have the condiment right-of-way just because they already poured the coffee?
My thinking is, they should have to wait because they didn't follow the coffee protocol.
30 December
Photo Dujour
29 December
My Favorite Politicians of 2004
Sorry, today's thoughts are all visual...
[Read More!]
22 December
Safety First
Yesterday afternoon, I had to stop what I was doing to watch this guy from maintenance change some of the fluorenscent lights in the office. Most of the time they use a ladder, but this guy found a much better way to change them. I doubt I was the only one watching him shimmy across cubicle walls like a steel worker on a high-rise. I could hear shelves rattling and pictures falling yet nobody said anything. I think we were all dumbfounded. Who knew a fluorenscent light tube could be used as a balance pole.
I was still thinking about it on the way home and decided to post a little photo collage of my favorite Safety First photos. I only wish I had my camera yesterday. [Read More!]
I was still thinking about it on the way home and decided to post a little photo collage of my favorite Safety First photos. I only wish I had my camera yesterday. [Read More!]
21 December
Girl's Basketball
